The F-Word
by KahnShao
Summary: a collection of one shots with the cullens, vouturi, and the rest. Rated high T for language. some chapters will have an M rating
1. Chapter 1

**The F-Word**

Bella, Rosalie, and Alice sat on the couch in their front room. Esme in the kitchen. All four were home alone; they boys had gone off with Carlisle on a weeklong hunting trip. The three sisters were trying to keep occupied and thinking of something to do. All of a sudden Rosalie grinned. She wrote down her idea on a piece of paper because being as vampires have excellent hearing, whispering would be of no use. 'Let's get Esme to swear. Let's see if we can get her to say fuck.' The note said. Bella muffled her mouth trying not to giggle. Alice buried her face in her hands knowing full well if she looked at either sister, she'd break up laughing. Rosalie stared straight ahead looking at neither of them.

Bella wrote down the word 'fuck' backwards. She went to the kitchen where Esme was seated. Her other two sisters went outside to wait and hear what was going on. Esme saw Bella come in and smiled warmly. "hello dear." She said kindly.

Bella barely kept a straight face. "Can you read this? Im not sure what is says and I came to you because you're good at deciperhing these things.

Esme smiled and read the paper. 'kcuF' it read. Bella bit her lip. If she smiled now….Esme looked at Bella slightly amused raising one eyebrow. "No. you know what is says. Did your sisters put you up to this?" she asked. Bella stifled a giggle and ran outside leaving an Esme wondering about Bella's sanity.

"Did it work?" Alice asked. Bella shook her head. "No. she thinks one of you put me up to this."

Rosalie rolled her eyes. "Here let me. I can write the word in a foreign language and have her say it. Then when she reads the English translation, she'll know what she said." She grabbed another piece of paper and wrote down the foul word. 'Chingar.*' Alice broke into hysterical laughter. Rosalie grinned and went in to find Esme.

"Hey Esme? Can you pronounce this? Pleeeease?" Rosalie whined. Esme looked at Rosalie.

"You shouldn't whine Rosalie. Really." Esme sighed. She took the paper and looked it over. "Nice try. Im not saying that word." She said handing the paper back. She waited for Rosalie's next move. "You don't even know what is means." She protested stomping her foot. Esme looked at her. "Yes I do. And you know what it means too young lady. And stomping your foot doesn't get you your way. You're what…85 now?" she asked.

Hysterical laughter filtered in from outside. Rosalie glared at the direction of the sound and stomped outside to join her sisters. 'Its not working.' She wrote on more paper. Finally Alice got to her feet without saying a word. She had grabbed a small frog and carried the creature inside. Both girls went to listen in.

"Yes Alice…?" Esme asked cautiously. "Oh, nothing. We were trying to get you to say that word….but it didn't…OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" Alice screamed tossing the frog at Esme. The animal landed harmlessly on her lap.

"AHHHHHHH! FUCK!" Esme screamed jumping to her feet. Alice screamed with laughter grabbing the frog and running outside to set it free. Rosalie and Bella stared in shock at Alice then dissolved into hysterical laughter. Esme glanced out the window and saw her three daughters laughing uncontrollably. They had gotten her to say the word.

One week later the boys returned home. Alice told them what had transpired and all boys, save for Carlisle laughed hysterically. Carlisle looked at his mate.

"I am concerned about their mentality right now. I don't even want to know how this even started." He sighed as he and his mate stared at their 6 hysterical children.


	2. Chapter 2

**Mirrors Reflect**

Jane stood in front of the mirror in her room. She wanted to see if her powers could work on her as well. Hell, it worked on the others. She had even tried it on her brother just for 'shits and giggles' as she had said to Aro when he asked why the boy was writhing on the ground threatening his sister. She sighed heavily. She was glad she was alone staring at herself in the mirror.

'Here goes nothing.' She thought to herself. She took in an unnecessary breath to clear her mind.

"Pain." She told the mirror. Immediately she collapsed to the floor. "AHHHH! SHIT!" she cried out. Alec came in at his sister's shriek and stifled laughter that would surely earn him his sister's wrath. He went and got Aro. Aro came in and stared quizzily at Jane, his head cocked to the side in astonishment. "My dear, I am afraid to ask…but what are you doing?" Jane, the pain ebbing now, looked down embarrassed. "_I tried using my gift on myself."_ She muttered. Alec managed a small chuckle hiding close to a mirror.

Pissed off, Jane snarled at her brother. "SHUT UP BALL LICKER! PAIN!" she growled planning to teach her brother a lesson in respect and minding his own business.

With vampire speed he spun the mirror and reflected her power back onto his pissed off sister. Jane shrieked again clutching her leg. Alec laughed an ran off knowing full well, that once she regained her footing, he would be in big trouble. Aro stared amused. The two siblings often bickered back and forth over the silliest things. And although he would never admit it, he found their banter quite amusing. Jane got to her feet still limping slightly. She wouldn't go after her brother just yet. No, she would wait. He would eventually lower his guard down and that's when she would get him. After all, she had all of enternity for payback.


	3. Chapter 3

**Goodbye**

**(this is the only serious/sad chapter)**

Jane sat on a boulder staring at the snow covered ground. She didn't want to deal with anyone right now. Especially Aro. If it were possible for her to cry, she would have. She had just witnessed her brother Alec's death by Edward's hands. Aro had considered it a fair trade being as one of the Voulturi had killed a Cullen ally. Jane swore vengeance. Somehow she would. Alec was the only person she truly cared for. Aro was just for his ability to lead a coven without anyone trying to overthrow him. But Alec was Jane's closest friend. Her best friend. She whimpered as her breath hitched once. The closest thing she would ever get to actually crying. Alec's body lay next to her as she sat holding his hand. Aro had tried to get her to return home…but decided against it. She would return in due time.

No one knew how she felt. Or if they did, they didn't care. Marcus did. He knew what loss was. And Jane would have that loss for eternity. He wished he could comfort her…but Jane wouldn't let anyone near her except her brother and Aro.

Jane spared a glance at her brother and quickly looked away, feeling the grief rise again. _'why did you leave me Alec? You promised we'd always be together forever.'_ She thought painfully. Sparing a glance at her brother once again she knelt down and gently kissed her brother one last time. Deciding at the last moment she ran towards La Push…towards Sam's pack. She ran straight towards the enraged wolf. And towards his open jaws….


	4. Chapter 4

**The "man-scream"**

Aro peered around the corner into the next room, making sure the intruder was no longer in the area. He walked into the room glancing around nervously. His red eyes darting everywhere. He was thankful that Caius, Marcus, Felix, and Jane were off doing their own thing and not near him. He was in no mood to deal with them at the moment. Then he chuckled to himself. Sure he had a "girly" giggle as the others had thought, but no one in their right mind was stupid enough to call him out on it. He stared at himself in the mirror, confident now that the intruder had left. Good for him. He was Aro! And he led the damned Voulturi! Even Jane was smart enough to stay clear of his path and not cross him.

'he is wise to have left. For I was loosing my patience with his stupidity.' Aro thought to himself. He did a confident pose in front of the mirror. A pose he always did when introducing himself and his coven to newcomers. Giving a small growl he spun around and found himself staring at the intruder. Aro jumped a good 10 feet back and screamed shrilly.

Jane stopped from feeding on a human and looked to her companions. Alec also heard and cocked his head curiously. "what do you suppose that is sister? Who would scream in such a feminine way?" Jane roller her eyes. "It was probably a female Alec." She answered. Felix was to engrossed in feeding to even acknowledge the scream. Sure he heard it…but it had nothing to do with him. And as long as it didn't interfere with his meal, he could care less.

"It sounded like it came from our place…come let us return home and see of this scream. Perhaps Aro has someone…." Jane commented. She dropped the human she was munching on and wisely the others followed her lead. Marcus, bringing up the rear as always…and as always very morose.

"I wasn't done eating yet." Felix grumbled. Knowing that he could probably grab a meal back at their estate if need be.

Jane rolled her eyes. "Always with the feeding. Can you not ever think about your stomach?" she asked. Felix retorted back, "When's the last time you went out on a date Jane? Seriously, your so…" he stopped when he noticed Jane staring at him…daring him to continue. "I can have someone if I so choose. Unlike you…." She added. Now, normally, a normal vampire would have let it go. But not Felix. "Heidi likes me." He retorted back.

"Heidi is not interested in you…I asked. She likes someone else." Jane growled. She glared at Felix. A warning for him to end it.

"Ahhh so you're a lezzbo." He grinned. The next thing he knew, he was on the gound in pain for a few minutes as Jane stared impassively at him. Then she left. Not because she decided a lesson was learned…she wanted to know what was on with that feminine scream.

They made it inside their estate and another shrill scream came form Aro's room. Jane went inside to see her master Aro standing on a table shrieking and pointing. "Its gonna get us! Its right there!" he shrieked. Jane looked down and saw a butterfly flying around her feet before going higher. She stared at Aro looking at him with a mix of worry and what the hell is wrong with you.

The butterfly flew closer to Aro and he screamed louder and jumped to the other side of the room.

"uhhh…im just gonna leave now." Jane said slowly. She smirked and left.

"Jane! Do not shut that door! That thing is going to get me! Jane…NO! JANE DAMMIT! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Aro screamed and flopped around as the harmless insect landed on Aro's shoulder. By the end of the day, Aro's little episode with the butterfly had generated more than 1,980,654,321 hits on youtube. All of the vampire world, human world, and shifter world was laughing hysterically. For the next century Aro was known as "The Butterfly Man."


	5. Chapter 5

**Hyperactive Cullens**

Carlisle rolled the shopping cart down the aisles of Wal-Mart. His mate, Esme had only asked him to get a couple of items they needed. One was transmission fluid (requested by Rosalie) and the other was Herbal Essence Fushcia shampoo (Esme). He got said items and by rights, should have been on his way to the checkout. But a sample display caught his eye. The display was full of sample cups of Red Bull energy drink. He got a sample and his eyes dilated in pleasure. He decided to go down the soda aisle and grab 24 12-pk cases of said drink. Then he went to the checkout already giggling do to the fact his system was not use to having the drink inside.

He grabbed a large Red Bull can and opened it draining it before he reached checkout. By the time it was his turn, he was a giggly mess. The checker looked at him cautiously but rung up his items. "oh, yah…I had did too." He slurred. The checker stared at him trying not to grin. He seemed like a reasonable man…she knew he was a doctor but didn't really know his name. And from the looks of it…he didn't drink this stuff often, if ever.

"Ok, sir will that be cash or credit?' she asked. Carlisle furrowed his eyebrows in thought. "Cash. NOOOO CREDDDDITTTAH!" He whispered. He didn't want his mate knowing. "Ok, your total comes out to $325.00." she stated. "WOWEEEE! THAT'S A LOT! MY WIFE'S GONNA KICK MY ASSHOLE!" he all but shouted. He paid for his drinks and left. "BUH-BYEEEE PRETTY LADY!" he squealed.

"WEEEEEE! LOOKIT MEEEEEE!" Carlisle shouted as he rode the cart to his car. Laughing hysterically, he placed his items inside his car. Even though he was gone, he drove sensibly home, every so often making odd faces as other drivers should they stop by him. He drove by Charlie, the town sheriff and belched right out loud. Charlie looked at Carlisle like he had gone insane. Back at home Carlisle drove his car into the garage where Rosalie was at. Giggling he got out of his vehicle and Rosalie stared at him curiously.

"Carlisle, what is wrong with you?" she asked not really wanting to know the answer. The patriarch of the coven, had indeed gone insane. "I got these magic drinks. Wanna try? Herehereherehereherehere!" he said talking fast tossing cans of the drink at Rosalie. Carlisle sprinted inside the house. Rosalie sniffed at the can she opened and took her first sip….

'I gotta be super quiet. Esme might be looking for me, so shhhhhh.' He whispered to himself.

"Carlisle, love, are you…." Esme said from behind her husband. "AHHHYAYAYAYAYAYAYAHHHH!" he screamed at the top of his lungs. "You scarded me!" he yelped. "Here try dese drinks! Trytrytrytrytrytrytry!" he said rapidly. He tossed the cans at a surprised Esme. "I spended alloooot of money on them. $325 dollars." He whispered. Esme fought to remain calm. Her husband was all worked up on the stuff. And normally she would have refused to have such a strange drink but Carlisle insisted. And he would never insist Esme try something if it would bring her harm. She took her first drink.

"GAAGAGHGHGUYTJHGJRYHJVBHJHP!" Both Esme and Carlisle said at the same time. Bella walked in hearing the ruckus from outside. Both were not yelling or screaming, but Bella's vampire ears picked up on it. She went inside curious to see what was going on. Both tossed drinks at her and insisted she try it. Apparently, this was the new favorite drink.

**Four hours later**

Edward, Jasper, and Emmet came inside. The front room was the shambles, Carlisle and Esme were gibbering nonsense, "YAYAYAHGGHTYVHFH!" both shrieked in greeting to them. Bella was bouncing on the couch yelling "BOOGERSNOTS! BUTTHOLES! PEE-PEES!" over and over. Rosalie was blowing rasberries at Jacob who had phased into a wolf and was outside shaking a box of tampons in his teeth back and forth, growling playfully. The three males looked at each other uncertainly and back at their family. Then Edward glanced down.

"I found the problem…they drank this." He stated trying to remain calm. He looked back to his brothers, then back to the rest of his coven, then to the drink….

Alice Cullen came inside from her shopping trip. She had a vision of her family but it was fuzzy do to Jacob's presence.

She entered the home to find a house full of extremely hyperactive Cullens.


End file.
